Old Honeywell Theromstat To New

Helga King in conversation with Tina Soliman

Dear Ms. Soliman, a few days ago, I reviewed your book " radio silence." For this I now want to ask some questions.

Helga King : What prompted you to address the phenomenon of the contact leaving and to delve deeply into the relevant literature?

Tina Soliman

Tina Soliman : That there is no literature on this phenomenon! I am working in my films, mostly in conflict with existential life and how people get through this: violent tragedy, suicide or war. Furthermore, there is abundant literature, however. However, I have rarely seen such disbelief at how people who were abandoned suddenly and without explanation from someone who was close to them. The silence can revolutionize the entire world of a man, destroy and I wanted to know why this is so. I realized in 2007 a television documentary for the NDR noted here that the phenomenon is poorly understood. The reactions of the audience was so overwhelming that the idea matured to write a book. Anonymous stakeholders were more willing to tell their story. To write a non fiction book on the subject is once unusual because it is actually marked by lack of words. Who has, however, deals with the silence, you know that an infinite number of messages can be hidden in the silence. And we wanted to decipher this.

Helga King

Helga King : What are the criteria you have selected the people who are examples of such behavior, and how they find these people?

Tina Soliman : First of all I have "Radio silence stories" heard that happened in the immediate area, and almost everyone knows such a situation. For the book, I was however important to listen to as often as possible, both sides of the terminator and the Forsaken. For it is interesting if both parties feel as victims, if everyone feels his views on reality as the only true and it also recognizes itself that there is simply not an objective consideration of the same story can be.


Helga King : Contact discontinuation was so far in my opinion, a measure of the actor to put others in the wrong. Since reading your book I realized that the Motives are more complex. They wrote of the shame of the terminator. Can you say this at this point a bit of explanation?

Tina Soliman : The silence is indeed a disappearance. The drop will not be visible for others - be - tangible. When it comes to shame, you could also say he will sink into the ground, will that which he himself can not bear in itself, can not be seen for the other. A humiliation may seem ashamed so much that one wishes to no longer exist or they can return to. The silence is an attempt of self-in-air resolution. If I'm not there, you can not see, What shames me. So I am withdrawing, avoiding any encounter, break off contact. Shame is an underestimated emotion. It can even be fatal, just because one is destroyed or so feels - a fatal injury to the self-image. If an appeal to the points at issue is really about, it would perpetuate the shame. On the other hand, designated at the moment in which something can be written in language that is accessible, it's not as threatening, have banned a bit. But if language helps, why is not the billing? Also I try with the terminators and experts out in my book. Shame is therefore a reason for the radio silence. However, there are also many other strong Feelings, eg fear and anger that are so overwhelming that they can no longer be able to act on individuals. And the biography of the immediately affected but also their parents and grandparents play a role - the "silence" can be inherited.


Helga King : power contact termination the parties ill? What the scientists say this?

Tina Soliman : insults make you sick, and the silence is a deep insult, but often due to injury. One of the psychoanalyst interviewed noted that in English mortification Mortification so hot and this would in his opinion was aptly, because the silence would kill another man by the lack of attention. Always in the background is also taken into account that the Forsaken has been tempted by too much dominance to suppress the drop-outs. Mortification is also humiliation and that is surely what will reach the drop, albeit from Not The terminator is overwhelmed, then breaks off contact. For him it is not possible to meet the conflict differently. I say, "solving", because the silence is the worst imaginable means to cope with a conflict, it can seem from a distance. By the way drop-outs do not always know the which field of devastation he leaves, but sometimes he even wants to. Often, these will be dependencies that one provokes and resolve from the other tries, while provoking the Abandoned unconsciously perhaps, to be abandoned because it does not have the courage to take that step. One thing is apparent: Both sides suffer in silence - and both can make the silence ill.


Helga King: Have you made the experience that the more destitute suffer from feelings of guilt than the dropouts?

Tina Soliman

Tina Soliman : At least they ruminate more. Whether the actual realization is there, that everyone plays their part to a relationship failure is developed differently. The protagonists in the book unsisono suffer from guilt, but with the dropouts still mixes a healthy amount of anger inside. In the never-ending question of "why" racking the Forsaken course again the head of what debt they carry in the conflict, what they did wrong. This idea of "the failure" turns in her head as if in a continuous spiral. The drop seems more likely to have the ability to displace, cut to be able to start over. "But you can not close the construction sites of the past by her travels around," said a psychologist. Life is not a light bulb that you simply screw the frame and may set up again somewhere new. Psychiatrists and psychologists are warning that a conflict of deal, because they could cause personality disorders, or they increase. Also, there would be no development if you run away as soon as it can be complicated. Patterns repeat themselves, if they are not looking - and tries to understand. The Forsaken are stuck in their guilt, because it There is no bilateral dispute. "How can I change something if I do not know what I did wrong," kept asking me the Forsaken.

Helga King

Helga King : Do drop a general communication problem?

Tina Soliman : silence is also a form of communication! The lack of words can be even more clearly than any previously spoken words. It is an act, and if you feel not understood in words, then have to hand it speaks for itself. Frequently yes was previously communicated in words only, the other ignored, ignored or just not noticed. "My silence was the last attempt to make myself understood," says one concerned. It is therefore to be heard, by leaving nothing heard from again. Even so this is the same communication, the radio silence is a clear sign of a communication problem: words could provide clarity and prevent misunderstandings. speak with some dropouts is striking that they are not open about what goes into their hearts before him, it was from fear of rejection, either out of fear to promise something they do not may hold or be it because they learned otherwise, because in the family's silence consistently as a conflict or solvent was used as a punishment has been - just some of the reasons mentioned, which may prevent the ability to engage in open exchange. And because it is so complicated - sometimes you do not even know what is going on in one. How can you then describe with words?


Helga King : Skew people in power and very vain people are more likely to rupture of contacts?

Tina Soliman : Most likely I would say: Extremely sensitive people tend to break contact. If the moral and mental strength of a man not greatly enough, it is certainly more to such problems in living with other people. The roughness covers the wounded soul. The Abandoned has possibly touched the sore spot, the Subtle, if you will. However, I was talking with the experts find that rather narcissistic or schizoid people tend to break, people who have fear of intimacy, the relationship between closeness and distance sound can not overestimate themselves and constantly need praise and encouragement and buckle at the slightest resistance or criticism. Lack of self-confidence plays a role, even if that is well hidden and at the same delusions of grandeur. A Dropouts and loners told me that he did not say must be what he has to think, after all, he spent eight years behind psychoanalysis and know how the world revolves. The silence can be an arrogant self-turning away. But perhaps this penchant for sudden termination is also a sign of the times. Although it is constantly texting, e-mailed and phoned, but said nothing. And if something is too complicated or stressful, then you can let it happen.


Helga King : it needs a broker to recover a contact?

Tina Soliman

Tina Soliman : turn on friends or relatives as a mediator is a big mistake. It does not work. The dropout feels besieged and withdrew even more. Because he feels the interference as an invasion of his intimate, private area - as a border crossing that he can not bear. Silence is an impulse, a kind of survival instinct. The terminator may be followed by none at all conscious thought. And yet its still holding a rebellion. There are only two possibilities: The Abandoned himself draws a line and thus ends the limbo - or he waits until the drop-outs back in touch receives. If both are not finished with the situation, they should seek professional help. However, are not trained "radio silence experts. But there are professionals who care for injuries and mental disorders: behavioral therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts. Ultimately, to find out for yourself, which recognizes these professionals the core of the problem at best and shows how to deal with this in-depth learning experience. Another possibility would be possible: After the break there when the time for silence is over, a reordering of the relationship and thus a different bond. Some of the protagonists in my book have done that - without intermediaries.


Helga King: I know of a case, no longer speak with the two brothers since already 50 years together. The younger of the two current has stopped. The entire family is unclear why. As the sister of two few weeks ago, the younger brother just announced that the older brother was very ill, broke the younger brother on account of such information even short contact with the nurse, who did not in fact what happened to her. Terminators are stubborn, obstinate, unforgiving people?

Tina Soliman : Of course, the stubborn refusal to accept the younger brother immature and shows weakness. A mentally healthy person would keep the resistance flexible and permeable. He can not - and maybe he wants to do so. But his stubbornness leads him of course no further. The silence is almost always a result of excessive demand. The younger man may have the first issue - the break to the brother - not close, so he can break off contact with the family complete. Cutting off the relationship it also protects from further injury and disappointment. The wounded soul trying to alleviate their suffering through the humiliation of the other, which in turn caused fresh suffering. The silence seems to be a kind of capitulation, for others and a little too The drop from himself feels most compelled to his action, he finds no other way out. The silence also implies the inability to speak. And what is not entirely irrelevant: The silence is able to drop, the Forsaken in suspense to keep! It is important to consider how the relationship of roles from demolition and was wondering why the Forsaken did not notice what the offing? For the silence does not happen out of nowhere. It seems that previously lacked a sense of what actually hurt or how much more oppressed. Determining life experiences can be of very quiet nature. The drop-outs - like the abandoned - may, in the silence not develop further. There is no process - as a re-trial which was held over a closed view of things indefinitely. Therefore, the younger brother reacts as 50 years earlier. He has learned nothing.


Helga King : If you make a large sheet of drop-outs, so you will not even put in some time in the position of having to deal with the offensive "radio silence"?

Tina Soliman : Often the terminator highly sensitive and special people, and who says that their view is completely wrong? Would not deal with them, they could not learn to deal with conflicts - And people - different, more cautious, as they claim it actually own deal. Crises are almost always conflict crises of dropouts should learn to deal with its dependencies on other people when he will be facing the life. If he does not risk the close contact, it will remain an isolated individuals, without bond, without membership, ultimately, without security, and he will not get to know themselves nor the world. The silence is also a crisis of self-deception. It would be good if people who are prone to silence, without the other side would have to get along in life and also the Forsaken can learn something: The pain is the goad that shows where it hurts.

Lady Soliman, thank you for this truly enlightening interview.

your Helga King