Dear Ms. Dogan, this weekend, I read your book "Heaven's Face " to "A book," reviewed like this, you ask some questions.
Maybe I should send in advance that I lost at the age of 3 years, my only brother, who at the time, died at 11 months old, from a congenital heart valve defects. In this phase of my life I've seen a lot of fear and grief in my environment, I am in absorbed without reflection, and which later affected accordingly. I grew up an only child and have remained childless, and I, however, no man of the blame, but know that the causes are to be found in these experiences.
Helga King : How do you behave towards your only child, sheltered it for fear that it could also die unduly curtail it in his freedom?
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| Doris Dogan |
Doris Dogan: time heals wounds thanks be to God - this is one aspect. And luckily I am a person who prefers in the present, here and alive than in the morning yesterday. I forbid my child with love as do I hope all parents. Similarly, I want my daughter sees life as a great opportunity. You can not with fear. I live my life without fear. This is an attitude that has shaped my education. Caution yes, fear not. A better advisor for a safe journey through life is trust and instinct.
When my daughter was born, she came as an early birth of the world and had another 3 weeks left in the neonatal unit. There I was a pediatric nurse that my daughter looked after every day, been very surprised that in all the years of our profession is always the mothers, a problem pregnancy may also have experienced stillbirths by mothers with problem pregnancies and no history of immediate and accurate could differ. However, she said she had cheated on me the first time. She was surprised how calm, relaxed and free from anxiety I dealt with my child. I still can only feel joy when I see my child. Fear is fortunately for me no feeling that guides me. I myself am a child grew up without fear and courageous. I have always credited myself a lot and things have dared, even when others had doubts. I am happy when I see that my child trusts and also things they dare.
I gave birth to my daughter in the world, there lies the future of my daughter, where it belongs and I can accompany them on their way. I am their coach, ihreWegbegleiterin - not their warden.
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| Helga King |
Helga King your say often Her daughter about their dead brothers and sisters and if so, it is clear to you what this can cause in the child?
Doris Dogan : Of course I visit occasionally, not often (2-3 times a year) the grave of my twin daughters. My daughter was now living in a stroller there. So it was for them a very natural process to get to know this place and at some point she asked, who's here. And of course I told her the truth. At the grave is the way, laughed a lot and we behave as usual. There is not a sad, melancholic mood. We make a visit and when we arrive at the grave, we say "hello girls" and if we leave, we say goodbye with "Ciao girls". It is informal and we do not stay too long. We visit with them, stay a few minutes and then go further, because the cemetery is old, beautiful and dense with tall trees like a forest overgrown - ideal for walking.
My daughter may say also that she does not want to go. That's ok. It was important to me in bringing my daughter the truth, age appropriate, if she asks, but you do not impose the truth and to charge them. A small question: What are you doing old well-kept family secrets with a person who at some point as an adult Part of his past discovers that he was deprived of many years was taboo? I think if you listened to his gut feeling and healthy and can be different as they are without being manipulative, then the much tabooed subject of death are mediated entirely unconstrained. Children have fewer reservations than adults.
Helga King : Are your expectations of your daughter is very high, say to the girl unconsciously replace all the other children?
Doris Dogan : Oh My God, no! My daughter is my daughter and for me that is more than enough. It is not the clone of other children. But the idea is to think hard, as it must be the first to live this idea.
At this point I am forever grateful that I have released my twin daughters naturally, saw it, got to know me and then I could have retired from them with an inner peace. The story of them had a beginning, a history and an end. This is important. It was a short story and of course it would have been nice if they would have lasted longer. However, they had a meaning and a purpose. These deceased children have changed me very positive. This story is complete in itself. Parents who can see no end to these experiences run security risk to project onto a subsequent child. I could not even identify with me. Fortunately, I come here my professional knowledge and training modules for the very constructive help. I reflected my attitude always critical and I hope that will continue.
My daughter is now living a different person and thus a new story that has its beginnings 8 years ago and each day a little more to thrive.
The idea of linking children to succeed emotionally with each other, not me. Every life is unique to me. I'm also a fan of justice and I think it would be easy in the highest degree unfair, my little daughter, who survive in this demanding world anyway must additionally be measured against such standards. As can a man or a child only fail and break it. As I stood there then in a few years when they see through the game and despises me for it and turn away from me.
I have a lot of emotional and mental work done before I got my daughter. That is my responsibility. I am guilty of my daughter to see her as an individual and not as a beast of burden for my experiences or trauma.
Helga King : Can develop your daughter like a normal child or apply for the girl to different rules than other children their age?
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| Doris Dogan |
Doris Dogan : From my answers before, you may be thinking that I also can not expected cliches of the traumatized mother to do. As you called it in your reviews again? Oh yes, unfortunately I can not serve with the stereotype of the "brainless dam. Claims I have in me. My daughter is a child and may be a child. It is so busy, and loved as it is. Of course, they also brought up and that means that there are limits, etc.. However, I think that I follow through my past, no other way than any other rational mother, her child is bound in love.
Fortunately, I have a very lovable child who is developing wonderfully. My daughter is in the nursery, went to kindergarten and now she is in the 3rd Primary school. A feedback I've always got over them is the fact that my daughter noticed in particular through its balance and its balanced development. Many parents want to hear that their Kind of an athlete, intelligent, talented, beautiful. I found it always a compliment to hear that my child is in balance. Is it not start in our time the most important foundation of a healthy mind in life and keep this for life. This is a task in itself, which today is unfortunately not a given. Life holds enough loads, since I have not already put more than necessary on it.
Helga King : How do you react when your daughter has a simple childhood disease? alarmed over the top?
Doris Dogan : No, also, nothing special here. Child is sick from the pediatrician. Nothing more, nothing less. Fortunately, my daughter had the usual childhood diseases except nothing special. Well, she broke her arm while skating and was mighty proud of her cast. With more I can not serve. Fever, flu, etc. lasts 3 days. Since then, there is everything that has the good medicine cabinet. Antibiotics, it has fortunately never get. She has processed all the teething problems are normal and unremarkable. Longer than 2-3 days, they've never been home sick.
children often start to cry only when a fall, because the parents cry. My daughter is pretty bullet proof, which we also the many guys in their circle of friends does. She has many friends - girls and boys. The boys like about her that she is not bitchy and that she is a type with which you can steal horses. Most of all my daughter climbs on trees. She definitely has me. Me could not be high enough.
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| Helga King |
Helga King: Are you aware that your daughter be the death of her siblings and later charged emotionally difficult would tend to latent melancholy?
Dogan Doris: It's clear to me, so I try to make it possible careless handling this issue. Certain facts are established. In addition, I have not anything taboo in order to make it even bigger and more powerful. About the death of her hamster, my daughter has shown affected because they lived through. You saw how he suffered. My impression is that their children's world is intact and their emotional reactions appropriate to the occasion and theme. Ask me or themselves possibly again in 30 years ☺
Helga King: Why did you despite the many miscarriages necessarily your own child, it was a genetic desire not to relieving or selfishness? What was going on inside you?
Doris Dogan : The phrase "genetic, not to relieving the request" I find it interesting. I can reassure them. The question you ask me, I've made many years ago and the doctors.
I and the doctors have asked whether it would not be better to leave it at that. I could be happy without a child. My husband has very much wanted a child, but he was not obsessed with it.
The doctors I finally made a very specific reason to do so made courage to try it again. If I had 3 pregnancies are lost for the same reason or at the same time, then this idea would have applied.
The first pregnancy was a miscarriage within the first 3 months. This is not unusual. 20% of all first pregnancies are lost. This unsuccessful pregnancies are almost to the body to adjust to the pregnancy then, the material properly. It just says no one about it.
The second pregnancy, my twins, I write about in the book. I had that because a medical diagnosis error loss. It would never come to this miscarriage have. The children were completely healthy, which has also provided the obligatory autopsy afterwards. That helps but not when the doctor makes a wrong diagnosis. Should you want to know more, I like to answer this in more detail.
After the death of my twins, I suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant again. But it was too early and so the embryo could not settle in the still-affected uterus. Hardly the test was positive, I've already got a very heavy bleeding and could not keep the child. The pregnancy was number 3
The fourth pregnancy was my daughter now lives. The problem was with this pregnancy is not in a child and not even to my basic disease or genetics.
I only unfortunately, a connective tissue - like most women - is just not visible on my thighs, but the cervix. This connective tissue tended to be to soften quickly to open up so I had to lie so. Simple to the forces of physics to outwit that the child is not constantly on top of it suppressed.
I have become absolutely effortlessly pregnant, had not, like many desperate women
vitro fertilization and hormone bombs shall be taken by children from the test tube about me leave.
the contrary! My husband and I enjoyed good health and there were no reasons a normal pregnancy. My chronic illness could, but had not lead to a difficult pregnancy.
One of the doctors once said, that could not be that someone had so much bad luck. I am medically gynecological and above all very knowledgeable because of my health history and have a good feeling, looking back. No, it was not an excessive desire and it was not an excessive egoism. Two people who loved each wanted a child. Yes, there were a few stones in the way, but ultimately they were not insurmountable and it was only with more tenacity and discipline than other cases out of the way to evacuate.
Helga King : How would you react if their daughter disabled came into the world would be what, after several miscarriages would have been unlikely you would have felt responsible or been pushed to a higher power is responsible?
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| Doris Dogan |
Doris Dogan : There was no connection between the causes of individual pregnancies, so was at a new pregnancy, no increased risk of disability than any other woman. Unless they think the risk again of an incompetent doctor and to get to a misdiagnosis. Then I would have felt responsible for not having a doctor chosen better or I would have asked me what the higher power puts me there in the way?
In the case of this kind of story I can not spare the questioner, just to look and just the facts apart. Of course it is easier to make use of stereotypes. And be sure also some people do. I myself have had enough in my immediate environment who had no understanding of the crucial facts, but have rather saved in the clichés. This is not an expression of my selfishness, but rather an expression of inadequacy, which many people encounter with death or fundamentally human problems. These people I had to eventually leave the clichés as it is for a genuine dialogue, from which one comes out differently than you went in, were not accessible.
principle must take parents what they get - healthy child, sick child. Pregnancy is an unconditional decision. Anyone who wants to impose conditions or choose something should determine who prefer a pet.
Helga King : Who is at the heart of your thinking you, your dead children, your little girl or your man?
Doris Dogan : Can not answer the question Sun My daughter, my husband and I are "the" active family and as such are central to our thinking. We remember those who were there and no more. It is important to understand the past and not to forget, because what we are today and will be tomorrow, we have become by the yesterday. We must not allow us yesterday conditioned in the manner that we want to stay. The focus of my thinking life is for us.
Helga King : What role does your husband in the whole drama that they have endured over many years?
Doris Dogan : My husband had his own role to solve its own problems. We accompanied each other, supported and sometimes shaken or warned - depending on what the situation required or emotion. We are a normal couple, we love us even after 15 years. The turmoil of recent years have at my Man or more other traces than me. On our way we have learned to accept us in our diversity and different handling situations. We are through our experiences become more tolerant.
Lady Dogan, thank you for this interview and wish you and your family all the best.
your Helga King
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